Looking back, I can’t believe there was ever a time I was actually worried I would be jealous of my own daughter.  But there was time this thought did cross my mind, and it was long before any of my three girls were even born.

When my husband and I started thinking about having kids, I secretly wished our first child would be a boy. It wasn’t because I did not want a girl, I did, with all my heart.  It was because I was so scared of not having a close relationship with my daughter.

They say a daughter never really leaves her mom and I can see why that is true in many cases. Moms help and guide their daughters throughout life and in some cases, even play a integral role in supporting and helping raise their daughters’ own children.

But like all things in life, the above is not always the case. In fact, in many cases, the mommy/ daughter relationship can be a very complex one, charged with a lot of emotions like resentment, jealousy and even hatred.

I realise that saying this may sound shocking to some people who have never thought about it, or never considered the fact that not all moms and daughters are best friends, but for me, before having children, being jealous and feeling resentment towards my own daughter  was something I did worry about.

But apparently, mothers feeling jealous of, and resentment towards, their own daughters is not so uncommon.

I’m no expert on the mater but from what I’ve read this can happen especially when a mom feels like her daughter has taken her man away (ie dad). It can also happen when a mom feels like her daughter is a younger, prettier version of her, or if mom feels as if she has ‘lost her looks’ after having a baby.

There are many reasons that I’m not really going to get into cos I am not a psychologist and can’t offer the exact reasons. All I know is that this can happen  and for whatever reason  it was something I was worried I would feel if and when I had a girl.

Bella was born exactly five years ago last week. The moment I saw her I knew I had been an idiot and that I could never feel anything towards her but love.

I remember our first night in hospital, just me and her and how I fell in love with her in one split second. I had never in my life felt so much love towards anyone and it hit me like a ball of fire in my gut.

I knew in that moment there was no way I could ever resent her, or be jealous of her, even if she would grow up to be smarter, prettier and better than me. Even if my husband would love her more than he loved me. Even if I had to put my acting career on hold. Even if my c section scar meant I’d never be able to wear a bikini again.

Nothing in the world could make me resent her and that idea was very quickly forgotten.

In the last five years I have witnessed this treasure of mine grow into the most charming, silly, witty and happy child.

She has made me want to scream and pull my hairs out on more than one occasion. She never shuts up and that can drive me up the wall at times. She has her spoiled brat moments and she thinks the sun shines out of her ass. But despite all of this I can’t help but love and adore her with all my heart and being.

My worry of not having a close relationship with her has not gone completely. However, this worry is what drives me to be the best mom I can be even at the hardest of times.

My hope is that my daughter grows up knowing that anything I ‘gave up’ in order to become her mother I gained back in a million other ways and I have never been sorry for having my baby girl.

Never.

As I watched her this evening while we are on holiday dance her own little dance on the beach,  I was thinking about how I hope I get to see her this happy for the rest of my life. And I don’t just mean that she is happy.  I mean that I am there to see it. That I am part of her life and can actually witness it. Always.

I am so grateful for having her in my life and for everything she has taught me. I hope I am lucky enough to be part of her life for years to come. As a mom, and as a friend.

Happy birthday baby, I love you.

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