Doritos is planning to launch chips for WOMEN because apparently women don’t like crunching loudly or licking their fingers. Global chief exec Indra Nooyi said in an interview that: “Although women would love to crunch crisps loudly, lick their fingers and pour crumbs from the bag into their mouth afterwards, they prefer not to do this in public. You watch a lot of the young guys eat the chips, and they lick their fingers with great glee, and when they reach the bottom of the bag they pour the little broken pieces into their mouth, because they don’t want to lose that taste of the flavour, and the broken chips in the bottom. Women would love to do the same, but they don’t. They don’t like to crunch too loudly in public. And they don’t lick their fingers.”

WTF just happened?!

Have we all just lost of minds a little bit or are we back in 1950?

And no, I don’t mean there is no truth in Nooyi’s statement, after all the fact that women dare to eat at all is a bit of an outrage, making crunchy noises and licking our fingers is truly unacceptable. But maybe instead of coming up with “lady friendly” versions of FOOD (!!!), why don’t we address the real issue here? The fact that in 2018, 100 years after women were granted the right to vote in the UK, in the same year that has been declared as the “year of the woman”, and after months of all the women empowering movements that have been floating around in the media, we are still living in a world where women are embarrassed to eat chips loudly in public!

I remember when I was a eighteen a boy asked me if girls’ poop was pink. He was dead serious (and an idiot obviously) but shockingly he wasn’t the only one who couldn’t picture a woman take a dump, or eat a bloody stake with her mouth open and burp after a beer. So we go out on a date, I order a salad and sip my white wine without leaving lipstick marks on the glass (now that’s real talent there). I giggle like a fucking lady, when I go the bathroom to freshen up my makeup I do it fast so that he doesn’t think I actually needed to use he toilets, after all my job is to be his fanticy and in his fantasy I am not even human, right?

Well, no more. Not with my freakin’ chips you don’t.

This woman will continue eating them, loudly, proudly, licking her lips, and fingers, and emptying the end of the bag in her big lady face like any human would.

Please do not insult me with your stupid women friendly chips!