10 Things I do that would shock my kids if they ever found out


Todays’ kids are smarter than ever before, and I for one feel that I need to get far more creative with the little white lies I tell my young children. Although I try to go by ‘honesty is the best policy’ as much as I can, because I believe my kids deserve the truth, I must admit that there are some things I do that would shock my kids if they ever found out. I often find myself in a real dilemma about what to tell and what not to tell my children about certain things. Although I am a big believer of telling the truth, I also know there is very little point in me telling them how I once rode a motorbike wearing nothing but a bikini on a holiday to Greece, or how I used to sneak out of the house when I was a teenager and go clubbing without my parents knowing, or how I was rubbish at maths and science.

It’s probably safe to say that there are some things about my past it’s best they don’t know about.

But what about things I do in the present?

Being 40, married with three kids and living in the suburbs kind of sets the premise and rules out anything too wild I could be hiding from them- I mean a big night out these days is going to a nice restaurant and getting pissed drinking very dry and overly priced white wine. It’s hardly shocking stuff, is it?

Yet I still find there are things I do (that involve the kids), which it’s best they’re not aware of, mainly because them not knowing makes MY life easier, and that to me is a good enough reason to (white) lie.

Here are a few examples:

I eat chocolate after they go to sleep

As a family we try to eat healthy and limit ‘treats’ to weekends or special occasions. Yeah right, that's what the kids think! If they had any idea what me and my husband eat after they go to bed they would die. I'm actually amazed we haven't been busted yet as all they need to do it look through the bins in the morning to see the evidence, and I wonder how long before they stop believing us when we say "it was the cleaner".

I throw away their art work

I feel so guilty to admit this one but come on, I have been collecting their art work since nursery and I have nowhere to put it. By the way, I use the term 'art work' VERY loosely, cos I'm not really sure what an old, half chewed up toilet roll with eyes is supposed to be in the first place?

We go out at night and leave them with a babysitter

Okay, this sounds like an obvious one, right? Well, in the past we used to tell our children that we had plans for the night and that the sitter was coming, (you know, so that they wouldn't wake up and be upset not to see us). BIG MISTAKE. Each time we "prepared" them we would get a call informing us that at least one of them was up and we would have to come home immediately. So one day we decided not to say anything, and to our amazement, no one wakes up anymore.

When I suggest "let’s play the quiet game" I don’t actually want to ‘play’, I just want them to shut up

I think this one is pretty clear. I mean, it’s a life saver this game. Especially in the car when I am barely awake doing the school run and ALL THREE are off on one, each doing their own monologue. It works so well, cos they get really competitive and I sometimes forget we are ‘playing’ so when they ask me after five blissful minutes of peace who won, I often have no idea what they are talking about.

I wash my daughter's comfort muslin when she is asleep

One of the twins has a favourite muslin she has to have at all times and she never lets me wash it. It's old and it stinks and I don't understand what all the fuss is but she loves it. Sometimes when it's in a really bad state (like after she's has spaghetti bolognese for dinner and has wiped her face on it), I have to secretly wash it when she is asleep and put it back in her bed before the morning. I can tell she is unsure about the fresh smell coming from it but once she's wipes her hands and snot on it its back to being perfect.

Occasionally... I smoke

Yes, yes, I know, it's horrible, it's silly and it's killing me. The ironic thing is that I have trained my kids so well that they are totally disgusted by cigarettes. Their position on the matter is so strong that they actually tell random smokers they see on the street off, which is very embarrassing especially given the fact I have a pack of fags in my bag of emergencies and I am sure those smokers can see right through me.

I skip pages in books

I am sorry, but after reading Cinderella (one of their favourite books) for the one millionth time I can’t help it if I sometimes skip a page or two to get to the ‘Happily ever after’ bit and move on to the next book. Again, I am not quite sure how they haven’t realised I do this since they practically know the damn thing off by heart, but as long as it does not seem to bother them I am sticking to it.

I don’t tell them their clothes are ‘hand me downs’

Okay this sounds bad but honestly, why tell? I have an older child and I keep EVERYTHING. When her beautiful, still in great condition coat fit one of the twins I told her “mummy bought you a new coat” and she was delighted! Is that really so wrong?

I lie about the time

We have this monkey clock that opens his eyes in the morning usually at 7am which is when we start the day. Every now and then, on weekends and holidays, I set it for later to have a lie in and I don’t tell them… it’s brilliant! It’s mainly easy to get away with in the winter cos it’s dark till late, so when they call me in the early hours of the morning I just say “it’s still night time, look outside, it’s dark”.

I blog about my kids just for fun!

A very recent thing I do and one I enjoy A LOT! My eldest has heard the word 'blog' in conversation and asked me what it meant. I tried to explain it to her and just got a look that sort of read like "you've lost me but I'm still looking at you cos I'm actually thinking of something else and I like where I'm standing right now". She obviously has no idea that the blog is about her or else I am sure she would show much more interest. When one of my blogs went viral she asked if I was famous which made me laugh cos when I asked her if she knew what 'famous' was she said "yes, someone who sings on the radio, like Adele". I have never been happier in my life. My kid thinks I am like Adele! YES!

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