MY THOUGHTS ON SHIBARI

Last night I attended a Shibari workshop. Not what you might expect a 44 year old mother from the suburbs to be doing on a Tuesday night. But then again, maybe your expectations are wrong. I was invited by Killing Kittens and had absolutely no idea what Shibari even was, apart from it being Japanese Bondage I mean. Yeah, you heard me - bondage.

I didn't read up on Shibari beforehand because I didn't want to form any opinions about it. I wanted to meet it for the first time and see for myself. I had no idea what I would think, how I would feel if it would appeal to me or if would run a while away. But what was strange was that even without knowing a single thing, apart from needing to bring ropes, I already had so many, I want to say 'thoughts' but really they were more like 'judgments' and even 'reservations'.

I mean what type of people like tying each other up, right? They must be weird. Kinky. Maybe even perverted. All of that without knowing a single thing. Kinda mind-blowing by itself when you think about it.

I arrived at a studio that seemed totally normal. In fact, it was so normal that I accidentally wandered into a business event that was taking place in one of the other rooms thinking it was where the workshop was about to start. I wondered why everyone was in heels while I was in my yoga pants, and I was just about to help myself to a sandwich and a glass of bubbly (nice touch) when someone pointed out that I might be in the wrong room.

Awkward.

A few minutes later I was in the right room which was small and intimate. There were matts on the floor and pillows and a few couples were already sitting facing the front of the room where a 'performance' was about to start.

A man and a woman moved to the sound of an acoustic guitar playing, she was wearing a little white dress with angel wings attached to her back, and he was wearing all black and has black makeup covering his face.

It's hard to explain this but basically he tied her up and eventually she was suspended completely upside down hanging from a bar that was attached to the ceiling. I just want to point out that they did say before they started we "should not try this at home".

So this is Shibari I was told. The art of bondage. Basically you have one person tying up another person (either on the floor or suspended) and apparently the origins of this are from Japan but it has become in recent years a very popular... okay this is where I get stuck. I want to say 'art' because many people do use it as an art form and after looking into it today I can see there are pages upon pages dedicated to the 'art of Shibari' on Instagram. People love taking pictures of it. The man himself referred to the woman as his "model" even though she was clearly his partner, so yes - I would say it's a form of art.

But it's also a form of sexual act. And here is where it gets complicated. I could totally feel the sexual vibe in the room, but there was also drama, and a lot of what I would call "playing'. But when we learnt how to do the actual ties I couldn't understand how anyone could have sex in any of the positions we were shown. So I asked: "is this a form of foreplay?"

The man smiled and said 'it can be what you want it to be". I really hate it when people say that. I mean, clearly it's not gonna be a cup of tea for example so it can't be ANYTHING I want it to be (I really wanted tea at that point). But what he meant by that (I think) was that for some people Shibari can be a sexual turn on that leads to sex, like a starter, while for others the act of tying is the main course itself.

What can I say? It was interesting.

It was not my cup of tea personally. I think you need to like a little bit of pain to be the person who gets tied up and be willing to be submissive because you are basically completely restraint and unable to move your limbs. That does not appeal to me even though I'd happily have my husband tie me up to the bedpost with a scarf but loose enough so that when I need to pee and can quickly untie myself before I wet the bed.

And if you are going to be the person who does the tying then you need to have an element of dominating in you to enjoy that role. For me this part felt like a lot of work and I think the sheer pressure of getting those knots right and the fact that things can go wrong (it can be dangerous) would really ruin the fun.

But it's clearly something many people enjoy judging from the other couples who were tying each other up happily and making out around me. I left early as I had a feeling my giggling was getting in the way of the erotic atmosphere in the room.

The man and woman talked a lot about the intimacy and closeness Shibari allows them. He spoke about touching people as a tool to get to know them, using our bodies rather than our words. I totally got that and I agree. Words are so very limited and there is something so much more profound about being close to someone physically than intellectually. It's like another diminution. Words tamper things. They are open to interpretation. AND most importantly - they allow us to wear masks. Our bodies on the other hand, nudity, touch, allowing someone to tie you up, are ways of being vulnerable and allow you to show yourself from the inside out without any masks. I get that.

But I also think there are other ways of achieving that closeness and level of exposure. Without ropes, if that's not your thing.

In conclusion - I'm happy I went to the workshop. I feel like Shibari similar to other kink is something that is taboo, and you know I like to break those because I believe ignorance is the biggest enemy of all.

So if you have ever wondered about Shibari and were too shy to try I can tell you that the people who took the workshop were no experts either, just curious and willing to try something new. I think that despite the origins of Shibari which are questionable with regards to content and respect (especially towards women), nowadays, or at least how it was presented during the workshop, it's kinda like taking up the latest trend of yoga.... only with your hands tied behind your back.

Picture credit: Anna Noctuelle