Lockdown Libido

I’m just not in a sex kind of mood. In fact, sex is literally the last thing on my mind at the moment. Ironic, given the fact it was less than two years ago that I wrote a book and did a one woman show all about the awakening of my libido in my 40's.

All I can say is that Covid, lockdown and homeschooling have officially killed it. I am not upset, I am not even fighting it. And I am here to say it's okay if you feel the same, in fact - it's really normal. There is a lot of pressure on women at the moment (on everyone but on women in particular). To be everything... More than usual. To work, to stay at home, to teach, to cook, to keep things going, and sex, well... it's just not a priority.

Lack of libido given what we've all been through since last March makes sense, not just because there is no excitement in our lives at the moment, and not just because we are stressed and tired, but also because sex is a not an "event" that just happens. It's something we lead up to throughout the day/ week/ month. It's all the little moments in between that built towards the main course - a touch, a look, flirt, kiss, kind gesture, laugh... all those shared moments that create over time intimacy that eventually lead to sex. (And sometime sex is just sex, yes I am aware lol). But my point is that for most of us, our days currently are focused on getting through the day. Basically - surviving. Is it really such a surprise we're not in the mood for sex? I think not.

I am not here to tell you how to fix it, because I don't think we need more pressure. I am simply here to say that you're not alone and that it's okay. That you're doing great. That it's temporary and that it won't last forever. Personally I have allowed myself to feel the lack of lust for a while now and I am slowly getting to the point that I want to try and maybe find it again... But it's a gentle approach, not a brutal one. It is not urgent or unkind. It is fitted to my own pace.

Someone messaged me to ask how my husband “puts up with me not putting out”.

Here’s the thing - for one, my post about MY libido has nothing to do with Mike. More to the point - there should be no guilt involved in feeling that way. It is not anyone’s “job" to have sex with anyone else if we don't fancy it.

Sex should be desired by those who are doing it yet I hear women often talk about how they do it for their husband’s sake - "I just lay there till he is done" - is an actual line I've heard many women say and I don't judge any woman for saying it, or for thinking it's part of her duty as a married woman because society has taught us that it is. "Make sure you give him enough sex or else he might look for it elsewhere" is the key message in a nutshell. But let's not forget that our society was built on misogynistic beliefs and is still patriarchal so the truth is that it's NOT an objective fact. It's a conception, a story, not a reality, that is told through the male gaze.

In short, if you're not in the mood - not only does it make sense at the moment (and that's what the original post was about), it's also your human right and no one should feel guilty about it. And if your partner looks for it elsewhere instead of trying to help, be patient, communicate, and try to understand what you are going through, well then they are assholes and should piss off!

Then another man wrote a comment on my post which really stayed with me. He wrote - "is it okay for me to say that I am feeling the same? As a man, is that allowed?"

He started a new conversation, about the roles we play in society - men are the predators who want sex no matter what, while women are the passive party who refuse or "gift" it (sex) for the benefit of men. From my experience and from conversations I've had with friends and experts, those roles do not always apply. For one - libido fluctuates throughout life. While we all have a basic base line (some people have a higher libido than others), it's not something that stays static.

Secondly, the notion that ALL men want sex ALL THE TIME is simply untrue. In reality there are many women who have a higher sex drive than their male partners. But it's not talked about. Because there is an assumption that something is wrong in that dynamic and that it shouldn't be that way. This is because for centuries women have been made to believe that if their male partner has a low sex drive, it's because something is wrong with them. 'Maybe you've let yourself go?' 'Maybe you should try harder?' While men have been made to believe that if they are not in the mood then they are not "man enough".

Which is why I applaud the man who was brave enough to ask that question publicly. To question these roles we've been assigned is so important! And to answer his question - yes, it is allowed and in fact, it's encouraged.

Because only when we speak honestly and openly about those taboo parts of our sexuality, can we truly break free from the gender stereotypes we've been trapped in for far too long.