My Thoughts On Monogamy And Open Relationships

My book F*cked at 40 is now out in paperback. The book is about what it's like to be a woman in a world that sees most things through a male gaze. It's a topic that many might find boring, because when women talk about 'women issues' it's usually not "sexy" enough for male readers.

But I didn't write my book for male readers, I wrote it for the millions of women who perhaps like me questioned the role they are expected to play in the world. In that were many things - our role as mothers, wives etc. And through what I called my 'mom life crisis' I went on a quest to rediscover who I was, apart from being a mother who drives a messy minivan, wears leggings and can't remember the last time she felt like herself. When the book came out everyone was mostly interested in one little aspect of it - the open marriage thing.

You see in that quest, one of the things my husband and I decided to do was to open up our marriage. Not because we were trying to fix anything but rather because we were confident enough in our relationship to explore the ideas of having an ethical non monogamous relationship. This drew more attention than anything else in the book which I find very ironic given the fact it was really not a big deal, at least not in our minds, and definitely not our main focus at the time.

I assume one of the reasons it made such waves is because it was me who instigated the initial conversation. It was me who wondered if monogamy was the only way of being in a loving and committed relationship, not him, and this was apparently shocking because while people expect men to want multiple partners, they like their women virgins and demure. I believe that if I had said it was my husband who instigated the conversation people would have understood, probably also felt sorry for me and then eventually wonder what I was doing wrong for my husband to want more partners. I'm pretty sure there is an article somewhere titled 'Ten Things You Can Do To Make Sure Your Husband Never Wants An Open Marriage'. After all, no matter what you do as a woman, when it comes to relationships, somehow everything is always your fault (and the advice is usually to lose weight). The truth is that monogamy is NOT the only type of relationship out there and this we discovered over time. I am no expert, I don't have enough experience to give anyone advice or tips, and the information about the history of marriage is easily Googled and anyone can look it up.

The gist of it is that although monogamy is far more widely practised than ethical non monogamous relationships are, the latter are more common that you think. People just don't talk about it. And it's important to pause on the 'ethical' side of things because most people think about an open relationship (and there are many types) as a form of cheating, but actually it's something totally different. Cheating is going behind someone's back, lying and being dishonest. In an ethical open relationship on the other hand everything is above board. All parties are aware and in agreement. So basically, not cheating. I know for many it's hard to get past this point, I've heard all the misconceptions from 'it's cheating with permission' to 'people do it because they don't want their partners to leave them', honestly - I am not advocating one thing over the other I swear. My belief is - do what works for you, and if a traditional monogamous marriage is your jam, then go for it. But the point is, it's not for everyone and if you look back in history (and in some cultures even today), it wasn't always the done thing. Even in the UK back in the day it was common (for men) to have a wife and a lover (have you watched 'Harolts'?!). In fact, marriage is a man made concept, and it's goal was to bind women to men, and to give men reassurance that their children are in fact theirs in a time where DNA testing had yet to be invented. Marriage made women their husbands' property yet throughout history, men were allowed to take several wives, prostitutes and lovers, while the wives were expected to be faithful and work on producing a male heir.

In short - "monogamy" was only expected from women. Of course women's status has changed a lot since those days, love came into the picture, women got the right to vote etc, but the idea that non monogamous tendencies are only a male thing - like the male gorillas who mate with as many females as they possibly can, carried on and still exists even in 2021. Well guess what? we're not gorillas. I know that it scares people to hear this but the truth is that when I shared this information publicly I was inundated with support from other people who like us were curious and wanted to try something outside of the acceptable norm.

I received many messages from women asking me how I approached the topic with my husband, and expressed their desire to be as honest and open as I was with him, with their own partners about how they feel. Which really is the main thing about all of this. I truly believe that had our relationship not been as solid as it is (with the usual ups and downs everyone experiences), I would have never been able to even bring up the subject. But being able to discuss with him something that could have "rocked the boat" made us so much closer, more than I thought we could ever be. The details of our relationship are less relevant and actually nobody's business. For me it's always been about communication, and after all - isn't that what marriage is all about?