Women and Money & Financial Abuse
When most people think of domestic abuse, the first thing that comes to mind is verbal and/ or physical assault. But financial abuse occurs just as frequently and although it does not leave marks on your body, it's actually very debilitating.
But hey, we live in a system that has financially abused women for centuries...
Strong statement I know but think about it - financial abuse involves controlling a person's ability to have, use, and maintain financial resources. This includes not allowing them to work, not allowing them to have direct access to their own funds and expecting them to account for every penny they spend.
Sound familiar?
That's because there was a time when women as a group were not allowed to own anything (let alone handle cash), in some parts of the world this is still true. Women were not allowed to study (still true in Afghanistan) or work so even if they wanted to be financially independent they couldn't, and even in 2022 there are still those who frown upon women who earn a lot of money, or shall I say - more money than men do.
However you wanna frame it, the fact is that women have had to fight, hide, or at the very least apologise for their financial independence.
The abusive partner is of course the patriarchy and women everywhere have been its victims.
The reason I am making this connection is because I think it's the main reason why financial abuse in personal relationships is hard to detect.
You see, somewhere along the line we have been brainwashed to think it's okay.
That asking "permission" from our husbands before making a purchase makes sense. That he brings in the pay-check and we "just look after the kids" makes it more his money rather than ours. That earning more than our partners emasculates them so maybe best not to mention it. That we shouldn't ask too many questions because that makes us grateful and they might get offended. That talking about money isn't ladylike etc etc...
This is what we have been told directly and indirectly for a very long time so there is no wonder why for many women the topic of money and finance in their relationships is a tricky one.
Obviously not every tricky relationship is an abusive one but if there is manipulation, an element of fear, dishonesty and restrictions, if your partner is controlling access to money that you have, demanding that you show them your earnings and also asking for your passwords to
bank accounts, pressuring you to quit your job, hiding money in a private account, criticising what you spend your money on, making you ask permission to spend money, limiting access to your money etc... then there is a good chance that it is.
And while anyone can become a victim of financial abuse, it is more common amongst women because traditionally women have had less access to money and education.
When you think about it, it's the ultimate manipulation - not allowing someone to get the skills they need to be able to do something (for example not allowing your partner to get an education and/or a job so they can't become financially independent), then get annoyed at them and make them feel guilty when they say they want more ("you don't appreciate what I do for you", "you don't trust me"). On a social level what we see is that financial articles and products are still not created with women in mind and women overall still earn less than men do, so the general abuse continues on some level. The reason it's so important to break the above cycles is because financial abuse (on a social and/ or personal level) is one of the most powerful methods of keeping victims trapped in an abusive relationship.It is also important because financial independence is empowering and allows women to take control over their own lives.
And finally, it is also important because it is one of the most effective ways to bring down the patriarchy. Women owning more of the wealth and having financial freedom means women having more power to change the world.
Sounds simplistic, but it's true.
So I encourage anyone reading this post to do exactly that and while I realise that for many this is easier said than done, I believe that even a tiny step in the right direction can make a difference.Ultimately it starts with getting rid of the notion that women are not good with money, shouldn't handle money, need to apologise for having money etc. But practically it should include a few key points:
1) Know where the money is: personally I think that if "money is king" then 'knowledge is queen' - in other words: be in the know. If your partner is the main earner then make sure you know what they earn and where the money is.
2) Save - women's pensions on average are still so much smaller than men's because of gaps in employment and lower salaries to begin with. It's important if possible to save just for yourself!
3) Invest - the idea that women can't invest has been challenged and today there are more women investing than ever. There are female led investment companies who also provide workshops about investing for those who feel insecure about it.
4) Maximise your earning potential - I am talking about asking for a raise, knowing your worth, not working for free, not doing 5 days worth of work in 4 etc.
5) Do not sign documents you're not sure about - get legal advice ladies, and if your partner questions your trust then this should be a red flag for you. There are other things that can be done but the above is a good place to start.
We as a society have come a long way but we still have a windy road ahead of us when it comes to gender equality and women everywhere having financial independence, as a group and as individuals in our personal relationships. The patriarchy is impacting our money on a daily basis and we need to recognise the ways the financial industry continues to push women to the margins and fight against it until we reach our full wealth potential.
And finally, if you think you might be in a financially abusive relationship please contact an advocate or talk to a marital therapist. You can also find resources and support at Surviving Economic Abuse , Womens Aid and The National domestic abuse helpline