So when I was younger I really really fancied this guy that was on the outskirts of our friend group. One night I invited everyone back to my flat after a night out, hoping he would come too. He did!!! I was so excited and very drunk. I managed to orchestrate him staying and everyone else leaving.
Hoorah I had him to myself!!!! Trying to be a mix of mysterious elegance and playful tease, I decided to do a headstand. I don’t know why, I’d never done one before. I was in a skirt and I asked him to catch my legs. As I drunkenly attempted my headstand, my legs, very inelegantly, fell agape. He politely gathered my wayward limbs and in a very gentlemanly gesture put my legs together again.
Unfortunately I’d obviously gathered some air during my acrobatic manoeuvre and as he pushed my legs together the loudest muff guff, fanny fart, queef....whatever you care to call it exited my body with such force I swear to god his hair moved. I was devastated and we both froze exactly as we were. Him holding my legs with a look of disgust on his face and me in a headstand, blushing red, with my skirt around my middle and my knickers on show. Neither of us acknowledged the muff guff, which was hilarious cos it had the volume of an elephants trumpet. He gently lowered me down and gathered his things. I never saw him again

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